A smoke filled auction room, which may or may not be a Middle Eastern branch of Sotheby’s somewhere in the United Arab Emirates…

“Welcome back ladies, gentlemen, crown princes, sultanas, tycoons and oligarchs. As the British ambassador allow me to welcome you to this very special auction.

“And now we move to lot number 48. A genuine British visa.

“This much coveted item is the very latest in must-have accessories for the millionaire psychopath on the go.

“Tired of irksome border checks and being made to queue with the peasantry? Well worry no more, with this beautifully inscribed get-out-of-jail free card borders are a thing of the past.

“Need to check up on that multi-million pound property in central London?

“Unexpectedly need to flee the country due to outrageous charges of human rights abuses?

“With the new deluxe visa nothing could be simpler. You’ll be through the gates at Heathrow before you can say indentured servitude and slave labour.

“The reserve price for this particular item is a mere £2 million. Who will start me in the bidding?

“Two and a half million? Thank you your highness, it will make a lovely engagement present for your new wife, what number is she again? Well, they do say fifth time is the charm.

“Now, going at two and a half, do I hear three?”

It is reassuring to know at a time when countless thousands are drowning in the Mediterranean and being brutalised by border police across Europe that amid all this hand wringing and self-examination Britain still has its priorities and traditional values in place.

Namely if you’ve got a sack full of cash the door is always open.

It has long been believed that a key attribute of humanity — as distinct from the rest of the animal kingdom — is the capacity to hold two conflicting ideas in the mind at the same time.

Conversely, a principle indicator of inhumanity is the capacity to be aware of both sides of the argument and yet still bloody mindedly choose the one which will cause most harm.

Thus, as tens of thousands take to the streets today to demand a relaxing of Britain’s borders and a degree of common decency in the treatment of the desperate and vulnerable, the government is happily continuing with its mendacious and savagely xenophobic denigration of impoverished refugees while simultaneously taking whacking great back-handers from billionaire despots and capitalist scumbags to fast track them into the country.

Ironically many of these self-same despots and dictators have retained their blood-soaked grip on power by using weapons sold to them by, er, Britain.

These would also be the murderous regimes that millions are being forced to flee from only to run slap-bang into the impervious walls of fortress Europe.

But you see, you can’t trust them. They’re not really refugees, as such. Most of them are just freeloaders looking for hand-outs and a better life, we are pompously informed.

This of course is a patent lie because as everyone knows No-One can get benefits anymore in this country.

And then, to show that this government is fast turning hypocrisy into an art form, we were told this week to hail the fact that one of the richest women in the world — who also happens to be married to an unemployed Greek idler — has managed to avoid doing a day’s work for 63 years.

Three score plus years of sitting on her pampered backside bleeding the country dry to the tune of millions of pounds a year.

That’s not cause for celebration — it’s cause for revolution!

Open all manufactured borders now and if the bigoted scumbags in power claim there’s no room someone can have my place because I’m sick of this fascist shit.

See you on the barricades.