Everything is set. Everyone is going to be there — mainly because they have to be.

First of all I’ll let everyone know how I saved Britain. That the Scottish referendum result was entirely down to my hard work and that everyone up in Scotland simply loves me.

Then I’ll take a pot shot at those terrorists in Syria and Iraq. Well, we put them there so we may as well have fun playing with our war toys again to make room for the next “enemy of the UK.”

Ha, I like that, I’ll put that in.

What next? Oh yes, I’ll brown-nose William Hague for a bit, call him “our greatest living Yorkshireman” he’ll like that. Then some balanced baloney about tackling the “something-for-nothing culture” which is really a euphemism for “we’re going to annihilate welfare benefits if it’s the last thing we do.” Haha, those daft working class Tories and Essex men haven’t sussed that one out yet.

Take a few cheap shots at Labour, something about getting into bed with Nigel Farage and Ed Miliband, mention jobs, mention why we’re so great and vote for us … What else?

Ah yes, almost did a Miliband then. Must not forget to put some polices out there. But what? Nick them from other parties I guess — well let nobody say those Lib Dems are good for nothing. For a bit at least anyway.

Now, must get my aide to pick up a gift for my speech writer, as I probably won’t be PM or Conservative leader by this time next year.