Hi my name is Joe Bloggs and I would like to take a few moments of your time to tell you my own experience of what a wonderful job the Conservative government is doing in helping people like me back to work.

When I lost both arms in an industrial accident on a band saw with no proper safety guards, I was initially a bit put out and my union even accused the firm of negligence.

But a nice man from the government wrote to me explaining that red tape like health and safety legislation and inspections had been a massive drain on business and that in fact the fault was all mine for working a double shift and operating heavy machinery when tired.

This seemed logical and anyway, as he kindly pointed out, I couldn’t afford to bring a case to tribunal anyway. Better to save my money.

The waiting time for my new prosthesis was a bit on the long side but I am informed that this is due to lazy doctors who don’t want to work the weekends and Jeremy Hunt is doing everything he can.

He’s such a hardworking man, I hope he doesn’t wear himself out.

At first I was quite surprised and slightly alarmed when a letter arrived through the door from the DWP querying whether I was in fact disabled.

On paper having no arms would seem to be the very definition of disability. But again the government came to my assistance.

I had in fact been malingering, they informed me and as a consequence my benefits were to be frozen, as was my house because they also stopped my winter-fuel allowance.

It appeared that, being a double amputee, using the special DWP formula, it had been calculated that technically I didn’t have as much body to heat and therefore they had been over-paying me. This sum was helpfully deducted from my weekly benefits so I wouldn’t forget to do so. They really do think of everything.

I was then sent for a work capability assessment, which turned out to be rather complicated, not least because my prostheses kept setting off the metal detector.

When I finally arrived at the interview — a happily brief affair — I was informed that by virtue of the fact that I had made it to the correct room, albeit somewhat tardily, I was no longer disabled and A1 fit for employment.

You can imagine my delight at being released from the burden of being a drain on the economy and the risk of becoming one of those feckless freeloaders you hear so much about these days.

I took to the task of finding gainful employment with a new zeal, in no way related to the fact I had been living off cat food for a month.

Eventually I was sent to an interview with the roads department who said I was just the calibre of candidate they were looking for and I embarked on my new career as a road sign.

The work wasn’t arduous, as long as you remembered to face the right way and the sense of well-being I got from helping the public made me realise exactly what Mr Cameron meant when he spoke of the Big Society.

Then last month I was informed that I would have to work for less or they’d give my job to an immigrant. It’s just like Theresa May says, bloody foreigners coming over here and stealing our jobs.

As a result I am now unemployed again but feel secure in the knowledge that the DWP and Iain Duncan Smith are there to look after me. In fact I heard only yesterday that my previous experience has counted in my favour and I have high hopes for my coming interview for the position of traffic cone on the M25.

God bless the Conservatives!

PS-I am writing this of my own free will and not because I am a figment of IDS’s imagination, rather like those elusive yet ubiquitous young black men Mr Cameron meets so regularly.

I must go now — there’s a two-for-one sale on cat food at the local supermarket.

Yours sincerely,

J Bloggs