Somewhere in the labyrinthine corridors of Westminster late at night.

“Pssst! Psssst!”

“Are you addressing me my good man?”

“Over here.”

“Are you attempting to proposition me chappy, because if you are… Oh, sorry PM didn’t recognise you there in the shadows. Erm, you AREN’T trying to proposition me are you?”

“In a manner of speaking, in a manner of speaking… Let’s just say I have a mutually advantageous proposal to put to you.”

“The last time I heard that it was my housemaster at Eton, couldn’t sit down for a week.”

“For God’s sake man!”

“Sorry do go on.”

“It’s just that I couldn’t help noticing… your name.”

“What’s wrong with my name? I’ll have you know that generations of my family have proudly borne the monicker.”

“Quite, quite, no offence intended I’m sure. It’s just that it seems to be lacking a certain something…”

“Such as?”

“To be frank, an honorific.”

“Oh I see, well I did always rather fancy a baronetcy…”

“Hmmm, that might be pushing it a bit, maybe aim a little lower to start off with.”

“Well what do you suggest?”

“What would you say to a seat in the Lords?”

“I’d say thank you very much. And then I’d say ‘what’s the catch?’”

“Ah, you know me too well.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Well, the thing is we’re having a teensy bit of a cash flow problem. Quite embarrassing really…”

“Oh is that all, for an awful moment I thought you wanted to appoint me to head an inquiry. Fine, who do I make the cheque out to?”

“To cash if you don’t mind.”

And that, is almost exactly how it happened.

26 times.

Yes this week saw David Cameron’s entirely predictable elevation of assorted cronies and stooges to the urine-soaked seats of the upper house in yet another blatant example of nepotistic opportunism.

Amongst those singled out for the dubious distinction without possessing even a semblance of competence was former health secretary Andrew Lansley — presumably elevated to the Lords for his services to the undertaking business.

He was joined by fellow former ministers William Hague and David Willetts, honoured for destroying the Middle East and the higher education sector respectively.

Willetts was apparently known as “two-brains” by his cabinet colleagues. Which makes sense — one for each face.

George Young — who was somewhat ironically chairman of the House of Commons committee on standards and privileges — also got a seat.

I thought he was dead.

Another notable addition to the serried ranks of ermine-clad incompetents and imbeciles was Douglas Hogg, who you will no doubt recall got into a spot of hot water when it was revealed that he had claimed for the maintenance of his moat, yes his moat, on parliamentary expenses.

Thus making him the poshest benefit cheat in history, if you discount the Windsors.

Peers, as they are at pains to remind us, draw no salary but then when they receive a jaw-dropping tax-free allowance of £300 for every sitting day they don’t really need one do they.

So Hogg will be right at home. He could probably get his castle feng shuied for that.

Lesser known party apparatchiks including former number 10 policy director James O’Shaughnessy, Iain Duncan Smith’s ex-special adviser Philippa Stroud and Tory Party vice-chairman Kate Rock were also given peerages for their years of loyal and mendacious service.

Which rather conjures up images of Dick Dastardly and Muttley.

While Tory donor and former vice-treasurer James Lupton was also elevated no doubt for an entirely financially unrelated reason.

Cameron’s attempted justification was that he wants to “make sure the House of Lords more accurately reflects the situation in the House of Commons.”

Well it does now, half of the bloody Commons are in there.

Intriguingly, it was reported in the Torygraph of all places that an unprecedented number of candidates had been rejected as being “unsuitable.”

I’d love to know what the particular criteria for disbarment are. After all if these toadies, lickspittles, shysters and scumbags are acceptable what did the others do?

Bugger one of the Queen’s corgis?

It can’t be for fear of bringing the Lords into disrepute — they’ve already managed that quite nicely.

But of course it’s not just the Tories, they’re all at it. Labour and the Lib Dems also shunted their quota into the upper house, despite claiming that they don’t agree with it on “principle.”

Not a word you usually associate with either party these days and especially not when there are wodges of cash involved.

Governments come and go but the plethora of pointless peers sit there quietly decaying regardless.