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To Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall
Sophie Cameron
No Hugh I will not make a lunch box
I will not turn my hand to broad bean hummus
Or lobster fucking bisque
Because you say I should
Because you say I’ll be better for it.
I’m quite happy to sit back
And watch your deeply contrived fiction
With a slotted spoon and a warm Viennetta
And compare it to my own factory-farmed reality.
No Hugh I have never tasted umami
Because I can’t reach down there
And no I have never made my own brown sauce
Because quite frankly I thought it was a naturally occurring condiment.
Stop paying people to come to your house Hugh
Stop eating your own food
And jizzing on about how good it is.
Most people don’t have an AGA
Or a bain-marie or an outside for that matter
Most people don’t see green very much.
The majority have little more than a borrowed front door
A microwave and an over-worked wanking arm.
Sophie Cameron is a performance poet who is all about the voice, the volume and the hand on hip action, so her poems rarely appear in print. Having being dragged up in Yorkshire, Sophie likes to talk about the hard everyday realities of life in a very visceral and naked fashion.
Well Versed is edited by Jody Porter – wveditor@gmail.com
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