Dear Augy,

I am writing to congratulate on your hugely successful program of social reform in Chile.

Things are so much better now that you are running the country, not like that awful Allende man with his socialism and human rights.

It’s almost as if the problem has disappeared over night. Dear Milton has recommended that I embark on a similar economic and social program in Britain.

I particularly admire the way you got rid of all those trade unionists. You must give me some tips as they’re becoming a bit of a problem here too.

If only I could get the death squads. All I have is the Met and the SPG. Oh they try hard, but I must confess they lack discipline. The SAS are all well and good but they’re rather busy in Ulster at the moment and then there was that unfortunate business where they had to go and find Mark.

Denis was saying just the other night that we should introduce apartheid like that nice Mr Botha who keeps buying all our weapons. At least I think that’s what he said, he was slurring a bit and broke off to sing a rather lewd version of Lily the Pink at one point.

I told him that while the idea was tempting, it wasn’t just a matter of the blacks. We’ve got the Irish, the Asians and Chinese too. Not to mention the proles.

Far better to go down Augy’s route, I said. Firm but fair.

I received a lovely letter from John Paul last week asking when we were going to get together for our regular bridge night. Ron would make up a four, although you do keep having to remind him which are the trumps.

JP added that if things get tricky you can always stay at the Vatican. Apparently he has a similar deal with Noriega.

Do come and visit when your schedule allows and feel free to stay as long as you want.

Affectionately yours,

Mags

PS: Mark asks if he can have your autograph for his scrapbook of dictators he might want to work for one day. He’s built up quite the collection.

YES, there has been much excitement of the almost orgasmic kind at the offices of the Telegraph this week, with the publication on Thursday of a cache of Thatcher’s letters “donated,” ahem, by her family to the Churchill Museum.

One can, I suppose, understand the frisson of excitement that accompanied the disclosure, the innermost thoughts of an egomaniacal psychopath always make interesting reading for some. Just look at Jack the Ripper, or recall the excitement surrounding the publication of the fraudulent Hitler Diaries — or My Journey by Tony Blair.

In fact the Ripper and Thatcher have more than passing similarities. They both preyed on the vulnerable with sickening and perverse brutality, attacking those who they saw as unworthy of living.

The Ripper taunted the police. Thatcher sneered at the workers and the miners.

And of course, neither of them was ever brought to justice in a court of law.

To read the Torygraph, Thatcher’s perfidious progeny have performed a great national service by handing over the old harridan’s correspondence.

However, as is usually the case, the truth is somewhat more complex.

What the parasitical Thatcher brats have done is effectively flogged them off for a million quid to offset a whacking great inheritance tax bill.

There really is nothing that family won’t do to screw this country over for their own benefit is there?

Never mind the slightly thorny issue of where much of Thatcher’s vast ill-gotten fortune came from in the first place — namely us.

At a time when the country is haemorrhaging money and the poorest are being hounded into early graves, these spoilt scumbags who have contributed nothing to this country are once again worming their way out of their obligations.

We’re probably still paying for the grotesque spectacle that was her bloody funeral after they cried poverty then too.

The Torygraph noted approvingly that the family had allegedly turned down a more substantial offer from the US.

Yes, because that sort of naked profiteering would just be unseemly.