There are some words and phrases in the English language, rich, vibrant and spectacularly convoluted as it is, whose meaning can oscillate wildly depending on the context in which they are delivered.

On the face of it they can appear wholly innocuous, and in most circumstances they are.

“Trust me, I’m a doctor,” for example. If you are stuck in a car wreck or stretched out on an operating table those words are full of reassurance and exude professionalism. If, however, you happen to be manacled to a cellar wall and the individual in question has just laid out an array of sharp implements with ne’er an anaesthesiologist in sight…

Likewise words and phrases can change their meaning dramatically over time. In the 1970s announcing that you were a Radio One DJ would have you surrounded by gaggles of excited teenagers.

Nowadays you’re more likely to be surrounded by officers from Operation Yewtree.

Democracy is another one, initially defined as “A system of government in which power is vested in the people, who rule either directly or through freely elected representatives.”

Now it means holding your nose and putting an X by the name of the person you despise least from a list of candidates who in most cases are singularly unqualified for the job and merely looking to line their own pockets at your expense.

Oh, and who then totally ignore the people who elected them.

To make things even more complicated different words mean different things to different people.

Ask a philosopher what “rationalisation” means and they will likely say that it is the cognitive process of making something seem consistent with or based on reason.

Ask a mathematician the same question and they will give you a very different answer, relating specifically to their field.
Whereas ask any worker and they know it means redundancies and pay cuts.

Thus, when a Tory says his or her proposals are “radical” this can be read as short-hand for excruciatingly painful for someone else.

When they further dress them up as a “revolution” you know they mean reverting to the 1800s.

So when Chancellor Gideon Osborne used both phrases in the space of a couple of minutes this week there was only one conclusion that could be drawn.

Someone, somewhere, was going to get screwed, again.

In this case it was the north of England. The Tories care nothing for the north, it is merely an irritation that crops up every few years — like herpes.

Usually around election time.

If they had their way they’d herd us all into the abandoned mines, board them up, level the place and turn it into parking spaces for their 4X4s and horse boxes.

The only reason they’re pledging to chuck money at it now is because it remains the Labour heartlands and they can’t cull us like badgers.

But I digress. As the new parliament threatens to get under way it can only mean one thing — yes that’s right it’s reshuffle time!

The term reshuffle itself is a curious one. Some gullible people still cling to the idea that is an opportunity to get rid of dead wood, sweep a new broom, make up for past errors. But in most cases it just means the same old cards in slightly different positions.

It is also of course an excuse for the PM to line his cabinet with his cronies and dish out a bit of revenge to his rivals.

However, in the current case Cameron’s dealing with a pack made up entirely of jokers so it doesn’t really make any difference.

It’s like the political equivalent of Guess Who?

Do they wear glasses? Yes.

Are they a bastard? Yes.

Ah, it’s Michael Gove.

Gove has been in more ministerial positions than a Westminster rent boy and he’s still there. They apparently found something he hasn’t had a chance to destroy yet. In this case Justice, presumably because Grayling was not deemed quite psychotic and puritanical enough.

Theresa May stayed as Home Secretary, which could make for some interesting meetings with Gove.

Even IDS is still there somehow. He’s like the spoilt little kid everyone hates and who refuses to get off the merry-go-round and let anyone else have a go even though the hurdy-gurdy has long stopped.

Not everyone remained unscathed however. Grant Shapps, at least I think it was him, got snubbed and knocked down from co-party chairman to a junior minister in international development.

One can only shudder to think what he’ll get up to there — do they have Wikipedia?

There was also the usual influx of blank faced nonentities whose names it’s probably not worth bothering to remember.
And, it being the Tories, there was the odd joke appointment to really wind people up.

Yes, the government who gave us a health secretary who believes in homeopathy, an environment minister who doesn’t believe in climate change and a chancellor who can’t count has now given us an equality minister er, who doesn’t agree with equality and a culture minister with views akin to Hermann Goering.

I hope you Tory voters are proud of yourselves. It’s going to be a very long five years.

About the only think keeping this column going is the thought of Michael Gove trying to hand out King James bibles on D-wing of Strangeways.